I begin this diary on day 47 after she was first admitted to Addenbrookes medical admissions unit, so some of the early days are a little hazy, as much from the road travelled as from the confusion and fear/terror that I went through at the time. I will however try to be as clear and exact as I can be about the events to date as I can be and will try to keep a daily diary to keep ongoing days fresh in my mind to update here as they happen.

Sunday 14th April

Tits had a headache in the morning but was ok to go to Church. Rosie and I bicycled to Thaxted, with much moaning and groaning from Rosie; it took us 50 minutes because she went so slowly. We arrived at church after the service had started to find Tits and the boys already there having dropped the Bidwell boys in Wimbish – we almost stopped on the way so Mummy could pick Rosie up and I could bike the rest of the way.

After church Tits asked Ruth Berry, who was at the mass with Emma, Tom and Alex, to come back home for a drink. Ruth rang Simon who drove over and we had a pleasant hour to two hours drinking on the terrace. We then had a late Sunday roast (pork) after which we pottered in the garden and Titania took the dogs for a walk with Rosie. The boys played in the garden and I sowed vegetables.

At about 4pm Tits said she felt ill – she had flu like symptoms and a ferocious headache – and I told her to have a hot lavender bath and to go to bed. I “fed” the children and the boys went to bed at about 7pm. Rosie went to check on Tits at about 8pm and she came down stairs intending to cook supper. She looked like shit so I sent her back to bed, she said later that night that she had had a cheese sandwich. Rosie went to bed at 9pm and I followed at about 11.30.

Monday 15th April

Felix woke at 1.30amm and Tits woke me saying she couldn’t cope with feeding him so I gave him a bottle and put him down in our bed. At 6am he woke again but Tits didn’t, I gave him his bottle and fell asleep until the alarm went off at 7. Tits asked me to take the day off but I had an interview so had to go to work but promised to return by lunchtime at the latest.

Drove off to work, stopped for petrol in Thaxted and Tits called me at about 8.15 having got the children ready for school; again asked me to stay at home, which I again explained I couldn’t.

Got to work at 840ish and prepared for day, told Les and Nigel I would be taking a half day to go home and look after Tits. No problems. 10 am didn’t show so left at 1030 and drove home. Mobile message from Susan picked up expressing major concern over gibberish conversation she’d had with Tits at 9.30. Arrived at 11.30 and took Felix from bed with Tits. Fed and changed him and kept eye on her. Susan and Betsy turned up soon after, with Susan seriously worried abut Meningitis but I didn’t want Tits disturbed and sent her away. I thought she was being typically over dramatic and scare mongering.

Took opportunity to catch up with backlog of work and personal stuff and checked in with her occasionally. At 1.45 she was looking like shit so called surgery but lunchtime answer phone was on. Went upstairs and told her and she said this was normal, and I should call back at 2. Phoned from 2 until 2.10 and finally got through. Expressed concern to receptionist but didn’t mention meningitis. Receptionist said she’d find a dr. Dr Ralph came to phone asked for symptoms, was she mobile etc, I wanted a home visit but she told me to bring her to surgery. She was very cold so I made her have a bath (wrong thing apparently) and looked v ill – I was worried enough to want a home visit so I was obviously worried. Went and told Tits, she got dressed and we drove to Thaxted. Waited for about 5-10 minutes in surgery and Tits went in for consultation while I waited with Felix in reception – not asked to join even though Tits clearly not well.

Tits came out and said that her tonsillitis had moved on to her chest and she needed a new dose of antibiotics. While waiting for prescription I sent her back to car because she looked so awful – Ian Patterson was there and may remember. Drove home and she took the first two pills and was back in bed by about 2.45.

I then spent the afternoon working in the kitchen leaving Tits alone to struggle through. Children returned at 3.40 and I (think) checked on her. Rosie did tea while I worked on. Ran children a bath and checked Tits, she complained of tummy ache and joint pains in her legs. Stopped bath and when I went back she was short of breath and had blue lips. Rang surgery and then, off answer phone message, emergency dr. Went back to Tits who had a collection of purple spots on forward and a blush of red on her jaw – I think now she had had a rash earlier in the day (about 4) which had subsided which I had ignored because it appeared either transient or like a fever. He rang back, explained symptoms, he consulted Dr in car and called back saying he’d also called for an ambulance. Panicked told Tits and Bridget. Dr called back saying cancelled Dr in car only ambulance. Phoned Tara for children, whilst doing this Tits came downstairs and sat on bottom step. She then went to kitchen and collapsed on the table.
Tara then arrived, I think with Bridget, and the children were in and out, Rosie trying to comfort Tits who was more or less incoherent. Tara told me to chase the ambulance that arrived soon after. Bridget wanted me to drive to the hospital but Tits wanted me to go with her so I did. Between leaving home and arriving at Addenbrookes the rash had become severe.
We went straight to medical admissions and she was given antibiotics, blood was taken and I began to lose focus – they wanted to know what medication she’d had so I went out to call Bridget to find out. When I returned to the ward Susan was there talking to her Dr but giving inaccurate information, I think Betsy might have been with her, I was abrupt with Florrie and went off with the Dr – Florrie must have come with us. They called Dr Tayler to find out what she was on for the first course of antibiotics and he went in to the surgery to look it up. They also got the Dr from ICU down to see her. Within minutes of ICU being involved she was rushed off. Florrie and I went for a fag and wept together – the guilt of her warning will always haunt me.

Tuesday 16th April
I can only remember being questioned about Tits’ health, pregnancy, lifestyle etc in the early hours and then being allowed to see her. Different Dr’s asking the same questions to Florrie and I, over and over again. Joey arrived at some time and we went through the same questions again. A nurse, I think Michelle, came into say you were going to be sedated and that it might be the last time I could see you and I couldn’t bear to do it – sorry I was too weak. Florrie and Joey went in and then you went under. I can’t remember much of Tuesday other then it was the blackest day of my life and that Joey and Susan were brilliant. Lots of tears and lots of fags. I now know that they thought you were going to die, thank God I didn’t then.

Rang some people – who knows who, news flew like wildfire. Tara and Juliet and Emma were already rock like. Told Emma not to tell Mum and dad didn’t want to spoil holiday. Fr John anointed you with sick prayers and healing oils; John Latham and Amanda alerted him early am, John served as altar boy at the first of many services for you. I thought he meant last rites when he said he’d anoint you and collapsed.

Wednesday 17th April

Nurse: Alex
More of the same – I can’t remember..maybe Susan can or Joey can. I know they were both still there, Joey stayed the night with me and had dinner with Mummy and we had a bottle of wine in the interview room.

I drove Florrie’s car home to get children off school bus and tell them what had happened – they’d been with Tara before and Juliet stayed the night at home with them. Florrie’s car goes fast. Tried to ring Mum and Dad but got a Manuel type who was useless and gave up. Charles turned up at hospital and then got in touch with M&D.

Thursday 18th April

Nurse: Alex

Emma came early morning and met up with family councillor (with me) to discuss how to bring children in. Polaroid’s taken and then shown later in evening to discuss with them at home. Hard; met off bus and talked then fled to your bedside. Think Mum and Dad back now – yes were because had huge row with Dad that night. Kate also on the scene, maybe came yesterday. You still sedated but beginning to recover. Children coming in on Sat polaroids were to prepare them for you and ICU.

Friday 19th April

Nurse: ?

Can’t remember much. Dreaded tomorrow.

Saturday 20th April

Nurse: Helen

Rosie loves Helen

Children came in they were fantastic. Rosie chatted and overcompensated trying to look after me, Jack subdued, William discussed your machines. Huge family cry in evening which was good – W didn’t join in.

Sunday 21st April

Nurse: ?

You woke up being off sedation and Joey saw you first, then you flickered you eyes for Kate and when I got there you opened right up. I asked you to blink if you could see me and you gave me double/triple blink – the relief was unbelievable. Your first question, when I could understand you was, “how is mummy”.

Monday 22nd April

Nurse: Ruth

You were back under today but positive messages from Dr’s. Melanie’s passed you over to someone else which is a downer but when Bridget & Mum see you, you are awake. Jack comes to see you first he can’t talk (it’s Jack), Rosie next can’t shut up and William who’s more interested in the machines than anything else.