Titania came out for the day(ish) on Friday to see Meadowside and another house I had seen, and put an offer in that was accepted, called Templars Farm in Lindsell. She then came home for lunch. Will and Lou (nurses) came with her, as did the children – bar Felix who stayed with Anna. It was a great success and we all took a lot from it but when we returned to the hospital it was incredibly depressing, I have felt depressed ever since feeling like I have had some normal life back and then it was snatched away. Whilst it was great to have some time out of Addenbrookes it has also made me realise quite how much we are all missing. At some stage in the last few weeks acceptance of our routine has set in and Friday made us realise that the routine is not normal, having a legless wife is not normal and being apart for 15 weeks is not normal. There are less tears and overall sense of why us but this has been replaced by something like lethargy or apathy. I feel constantly hollow, as if some vital part is missing, rudderless I suppose and find it hard to really care about stuff I know I should be doing. I just want her back no matter how hard that is going to be for both/all of us.

Hadn’t realised I haven’t done an entry for the last 10 days not much happened hospital wise, mainly because she was getting over the collapsed lung so little physio. At school the juniors did Oliver on Thurs night (Rosie had a great singing role and was fantastic, Jack skulked around at the back or hid his face under his cap as usual). Last Monday morning was the Leavers mass during which I managed to retain my composure, much to Rosie’s disgust, even though I was surrounded with weeping mothers! Stayed in bed on Wednesday causing panic at work and hospital, having sat up until 4.30am drinking with Juliet. Then Tits out on Friday. Boiling hot since Friday (30 degrees) so Mum and Dad took them back to Bromley on Sat & Sun to swim, they go in to see her this afternoon. A normal abnormal 10 days.

Wednesday 21st August (Day 129)

Amazed to find I haven’t done the diary for almost a month, so much has happened since that Friday. The following Friday when I got to the hospital in the evening Tits said that Lucas had asked her when she was being picked up on Saturday, when she replied that she wasn’t he said he thought it was really important that she did come out. I re-arranged Tic and Luke, who were coming to look after us that weekend, and picked her up at 10 and bought her home. The day was unbelievable since it was unexpected and thus was wonderful. Then I got a call from the ward on Sunday morning – having stayed up talking with Tic until 3.30am – asking when I was coming to collect her, even better! Tic and Luke were fantastic (unfair on all the other people who’ve helped but, probably because of the circumstances as well as them, were the best people helping so far despite confusion of having two Felix’s in the house).

The weekend of the 10th/11th was odd, we hardly talked or really saw each other. Bridget got up my nose because Tits was sick during lunch and she over reacted deciding that she shouldn’t be out of hospital and that she was uncomfortable and in pain. Looking at the black side of life seems to be a Mellen trait.

Started 2 weeks off work on Monday and during that week Florrie/Susan came up with a plan concocted with William to buy Hardys. I think she’s mad but have accepted their offer and we are now going ahead with Lindsell, we are dependent on the sale of Ickleton but hopefully she’ll sell quickly and we’ll be able to get on with the sale asap.

During this time we’ve all followed – Rosie in particular being only a year older – the awful case of Holly Wells & Jessica Chapman, I’ve hardly been able to read or watch any news without crying. In some shallow way I can really empathise with their poor parents but hope and pray that this is the worst we ever have to live through. I will pray for both families and hope that God will bring them comfort in time.

Had the first dressing change since July 8th that I’ve been able to be there and the difference was been amazing, when I last saw her legs they were open wounds and quite horrific – she got through two or three trainee nurses and I more or less fainted during the dressing change, last week there were large patches of healthy skin and, although there are quite a few sloughy bits, looked well on the way to full recovery. I don’t think they’ll ever be fully back to “normal” but you can see that they will be functional and (this is hard to say and I’m not sure the right thing to say) viewable in private. I know her legs aren’t ever going to come out in public again and it hurts – I can’t remember if I’ve said before that her legs were one of the best physical parts of her before (at least her ears are still there). I have learnt very clearly over the last 4 months that the physical side of us is crap and that it’s what and who we are inside that counts. I think I am a Taoist Catholic or maybe a Catholic Taoist.

On Thursday took the children and Emma Berry, a friend of Rosie’s (not Felix who stayed at home with Anna, a well deserved day off for her – can you imagine being a nanny and taking on a mother of four’s job? I’m not sure I’d do it, in fact looking after 3 this week without a baby I know I wouldn’t) to Chessington. We had a great time except taking 2 1/2 hours to get back, it was much easier than I had expected except I had been given free tickets for 5 to get in and, being me, only looked at the complimentary ticket the night before to discover they were invalid on Bank Holidays and during August – bollocks - went anyway and spent a fortune.

On Friday Mum collected Felix and Guinness and we left for a week on the Norfolk Broads planned in February. We stopped off at Addenbrookes bad a tearful goodbye to Mummy and drove to Stalham. Collected the Bright Gem 4 and motored off, nervously, into the wild seas off the broads. After three of the most stressful days I have ever had in my life we returned to Addenbrookes relieved to be all alive and more than happy to be away from the broads – they are not the place to take 3 young children on your own, the days stretch before you with nothing to do but cruise and cruise and the boats are small, dirty and damp – not good for a novice single parent. I can cope with them all with space and entertainment but not with boredom and a constant fear of drowning.

Returned home to find Lindsell was going ahead (there was a fear it might be pulled from the market but I think that was the seller arsing us about), Tits had arranged a commode and an air mattress to be delivered before Friday so that she can stay at home on Saturday and Sunday night and, most importantly, a release date has been provisionally set for September 01st.

We spent today, apart from a visit from Annabelle Moffat (1st time for her but she’s a nurse and handled it with, I want to say aplomb but that’s wrong and so is equanimity, she was fantastic bright chatty gossipy and brilliant), trying to sort out a ludicrous Financial Assessment Form from Essex County Council and then home care/day care for release date. We are entering a dark world of red tape that I really don’t want to enter.

As release date gets closer I am getting more concerned about that amount of care Tits will need and am thinking more and more about whether I will have to take either a sabbatical or give up work altogether. My feeling at the moment is that I will have to give up work and become her full time carer – it has major attractions but is very daunting, I’ll wait and see.